Break Up, To Make Up

A little while back, one of my readers [Who wishes to be anonymous] had a Love/Relationship topic request for me and I thought now would be a great time to use it - being as this is one of those seasons when people do tend to reflect on their love life, or lack there of. Not sure about y'all, but I am not a fan of dating these days. It is tough and it just gets tougher as you get older and your standards rise and whatnot. Even when you feel you know exactly what you desire, you tend to still have to meet and/or date several people before finding someone who makes you feel like you have to know more about them and are willing to put in that effort with. So any-who, this is what my reader asked:

["I wanna hear your thoughts on breakups that involve both parties that still deeply love each other....even after if one of the parties admits to messing up the relationship, breaks it off to better themselves as an individual. Give your opinion if they should work it out or just let it go"]

>>> I would LOOOOVE it if you all could leave some feedback in my COMMENTS section on this topic! I have only been truly in love one time and these were not the terms we split on so I can only speak but so much on this topic. For me, I'm not a "break up to make up" type, so when a relationship is ended, whether by me or by him, I reflect, chalk it up, and move on. If I feel it is worth fighting for, I will. However, I feel as though if you are just going though something with your partner why break up rather then work through it? Why not try to resolve the issue first, then if you two cannot agree to disagree or find middle-ground and move forward together without holding that issue over one each other's head in the future, then why continue? Especially if you feel this is someone you wanted to marry or become life partners with, then you have to learn to work thru even the toughest of things. Those hurdles will either make or break a relationship. It really depends upon the worth of the relationship to the partners(in my opinion). The saying "it takes two to tango" though it is so cliche, it is a great one! Even if one person is wrong, you cannot spend this undisclosed amount of time expecting them to be making it up to you while you do nothing! You should still be putting in effort, being (at least) some what understanding, and letting them know that you see they are or are not trying! Relationships are ALWAYS a two-way street! It is not just about you, it is about you BOTH! An age old piece of advice i was given was to do a "pros and cons" list. If the Pros outweigh then you stay. By weigh we mean quality, not necessarily the amount of pros outweigh the cons. A guy can be everything to his woman but also be a "woman beater" or a woman could be everything to her man, but also be a chronic cheater. So, don't just think of "how many" think of how important certain traits are to you in a relationship but also reflect on what your partner desires and ask yourself "Am I doing my part?".

---- So again, I ask of you all, please give your thoughts on this topic below!!

              W.hat-W.ould-Y.ou-D.o?

"Every little thing that we do..."

Remember that song? "Between Me & You" by Ja Rule and Christina Milian? Well that song definitely just had me thinking about those people who are either always in someone's business or blabbing their own for attention! You know the ones; the ones who tell the world their business or social networks, or always fishin' in someone else's - trying to give advice but ain't handling their own business. The irony: they're either single(and have been for God knows how long), or in terrible relationships themselves!

When I'm in a relationship, I'm not telling all of my business. Except the happy stuff! Lol. But I don't even tell all that either because there's always someone who wants to kill your joy! They say "misery loves company," right? There's always someone who's going to try to bring you down or try to fix what ain't broken! And if people find out you have drama in your life, they are trying to find out about it!

EX: > "I miss my boyfriend , not talking to him fucking sucks ! 😔" < An invite for a prowling guy to swoop in!!

I cannot even count the number of times I see people on Twitter and Facebook talking about how they are with their significant other, but they're tweeting. So, someone like me will think: "Hmmm, so social networks are more important to you than giving your mate some attention?" Or how about the ones who are in bad relationships and are telling the world about it!? "Ugh, he can tweet but he ain't textin me? Oh I'm bout to be single again" Really though? There are still people who don't know I got divorce from my ex! Lol. Some things just not need be broadcasted - at least not right after it happens.

And to you single people who have never even had a real relationship...a GOOD real relationship...How dare you? How you all in your friend's business telling them how to act when you can't keep a dude/girl yaself for more than a month? Get outta here. If you're in a relationship follow what my man Ginuwine said... "It ain't none of your friends' business" <---- Truer words have never been spoken!!

However...if you're going to vent...might I recommend:

• Talk to someone in a successful relationship (preferably someone married)
• Talk to someone experienced! (most likely someone older)
• Talk to someone neutral and unbiased who will keep it real with you not just sugarcoat everything
• Wait until the situation is over and done with!

Handle YOUR business on your own!! Advice is okay to get of course. Take it into consideration, but these solutions don't play out exactly the same for everyone! Opinions should not be taken literally! But that's just me.

>>>> What y'all think about people who blast their business all over the internet? <<<<

Weigh In... 

Riddle me This...

 

We all demand respect...but why do we insist on being disrespectful? You know those people who take their bad day out on EVERYONE else? Or how about the guys who treats certain chicks like dirt, hit it 'n quit it, but then wine and dine others? If she's not worth your time why not just keep it movin'? Why kick some dirt on her first? Women this goes for you too! Why take advantage of the nice guy? Why let him do so much for you then tell him you're not really into him? These are the reasons people are afraid to let themselves go and open up! People just love to take one's niceness for weakness but steady preach how they are "bad b**ches", or got "swag", and all of this. Forget swag!...have some class! Stand out! Why are you dumbing yourself down to fit in, but then expect the best out of your partner? You are trying to get the most girls at first, but once you're ready for "that one" you're struggling. Why? Because all you know is being a dude with "swag" but no manners, no goals, no real accomplishments, treating chicks like concrete and steppin' on 'em! That's like having $1.50 trying to get Big Mac! It's out of your reach! How can you demand to be treated well ALL of the time when you're not dishing it out? Someone fill me in!

......Practice what you preach!

How can you want man with a job/good money, a car, a degree, no kids, no STDs, dresses nice, a gentleman, faithful, etc, etc,... yet you've been rippin' and running around all promiscuous, no goals, no plan except Plan B, and no goals "but you can roll a fat j though"!? Yet, the guys you're out here praising and dating are in and out of jail living with his folks, no job, no school, not even trying to fix his future, "but he tatted though"? They say "you attract what you put out" so why are you still actin' no good and mad when you get a "good for nothin' " dude? Someone fill me in!!

How can you want a girl who keeps her body right, has a job, no pregnancies, level-headed, and doing something positive with herself (etc, etc)...yet, you're chasing and praising the girls in music videos, talking about how you're trying to live like Rick Ross but you're living like Ferris Bueller? Taking too many days off, never putting in work! Or you're too content with renting out your parent's basement and not even trying to better yourself?.....Fill me in Pleeease!!

The person you are with should compliment you and vice versa! How can you as for the intangibles that you don't even possess yourself?



Just a thought..

Let it Go!: Breakups - (rehashed)

 

One of my readers (@2big4Kah) brought an interesting topic to my attention about closure and denial when you come out of a relationship. He also mentioned that some women and men, feel the need to pretty much trash their ex because it's over... "and after the relationship, why put your ex name in the mud though or talk bad about them, or worse make up lies, smh." -Kah. That being said, think about it folks - if they're that bad of a person, then it reflects YOUR judgment to an extent. So think twice before you proceed to bash. I know when coming out of a serious relationship you feel a vast amount of different emotions - anger, sadness, confusion- but bashing your ex or even their new love interest is not how you find closure. Trust me I've been that girl and it did not make me feel any better about myself. When I did it, my conscious set in and I turned around and apologized. Some would be like "why would you do that?" But at the end of the day it wasn't about her, it was about him, breaking my heart and what I wished I could do to have him feel that hurt. But again that does not do anything for ME because it's still becoming all about him. In my opinion, breaking up needs to be about you. You take that time to evaluate the situation and figure out what YOU want and what you're willing to do to save the relationship (if that's what YOU want).Working on myself made me feel better about myself. I lost weight, felt healthier, had a clearer head, bought new clothes, grades picked up in college and I accepted the past for what it was and eventually moved on. One thing I'll say, the idea of starting back at square one with someone new SUCKS, but when you do find a great candidate it starts to feel worth it.

So, I found an article  Click here to see this full article:>> 10 Steps for Post Breakup that pretty much gives some tips on how to get through a break-up and I've highlighted a few because these are things I focus on during a breakup.

This website Lifescripts.com has also some suggestions on how to move on after a breakup. Some of which I've actually already mentioned:
*Accept it!
*Learn From it!
*Distance Yourself
*Focus on YOU!

Acceptance...
[“Even though it may not have worked out the way you wanted, accepting that the relationship was limited and is over is very important,” Dr. Orloff advises. "] Accept the fact that it's over. Unless you two are just taking a break (which I personally despise), you need to just realize that either the relationship has ran it's course, or that you two may have some growing to do and maybe you'll reunite in the future. Stop obsessing and putting yourself down thinking there's something you can do to win them back and don't be in DENIAL that it's over! Even if there is a possibility you too can be together in the future, focus on bettering yourself for YOURSELF. Meanwhile, meet new people and do the things you've missed doing. If it's meant to happen, the signs will be there without force and you two can reconcile if possible.

Distance Yourself
["Maybe one day the two of you can be friends again, but now is not the time. Your heart is still freshly wounded and seeing or contacting him will only make things worse. "] I DEFINITELY have to distance myself. I will cut an ex straight off like he killed my fish and not want to be in any contact with them until MAYBE we're in a good place to speak. I personally don't really like to befriend exes (check out a later article about this), but I don't hold grudges much either so if I'm over it by the time I see you, no bad blood. I will say this, I will NOT double back! Once we're done, we're over! I don't break-up, make-up break-up again.

Reflection/Soul-Searching...
You need to come to terms with why you two split but don't dwell on it. Regardless of fault, I am just talking about the issue that split you two up. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just ask yourself some questions. Were you ignoring signs? Where an YOU improve? Remember, breaking up is now about you and how tou can be a better individual. Whatever the other person has to work out you can't control. No one changes for someone else, if they do, it's called ACTING..You can only worry about YOU!


>>>>How do YOU get over an EX or former flame? Share in the Comments section!!<<<<



Only time will tell. It does not happen overnight so do not expect to be over your ex by the following week especially if you were in love. Take some "YOU" time. Learn from the experience you've just went through and find something positive out of it as well that'll have you looking forward to the future. I have provided a few extra links of interesting articles for those who want to read on.


Break-Ups Uplifting Quotes for Moving on Post Breakup

Obey Your "Thirst"

 

Sometimes I wish the word "thirst" would just get abolished!! I am so sick and tired of people screen-shotting compliments and calling it "thirst". What kind of gratification did you get from exposing that person just now? Especially those who screen-shot the obvious jokes and call it thirst like that person really meant it. "Girl I'll drink your bath water" <--- "omg y'all look he so thirsty"  -____- . 

No matter how crazy the compliment, appreciate it and keep it moving. Laugh about it if need be, but don't EVER think you're TOO good to be called something that you won't appreciate! The moment you get called stuck up or ugly you get upset! I can't tell you how many times I've gotten direct messages on Twitter saying "I always thought you were beautiful but I ain't wanna seem thirsty." So compliments are a negative thing now? Who in the world started that anyway? I'd love to know! In my opinion thirst is about dying for some attention! Learn how to decipher between the true "thirst" (and "Thirst Traps"), and the jokes! I still just refrain from using the word "thirsty" anyway unless I really could use a swig of Deer Park ...(no tap water buddy).

And it's not just happening on social networks either. Some people act too good in person to take a compliment for what it is...a compliment and nothing more. If someone is complimenting you because they want to "holla" at you then following the compliment should be "can I have your number?" If those words did not leave their lips why are you assuming? Why are you being rude? I'm just not the type to be mean to a person for no reason whether I'm interested in them or not. Stay humble before you crumble!

...so let me reiterate --> you're never too good to be called something you won't appreciate!




...Just a thought.

Monday Night RAW!

Do y'all remember Monday night Raw? I believe it still comes on now, but it's one of the nights WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) comes on. Well I think this is synonymous to couple's fighting over the remote to watch those Monday Prime-time shows (lol). Like wrestling, things can get nasty when a couple's fighting over watching their TV shows! Especially on Mondays when there seems to be an overwhelming Primetime line-up on numerous shows on ESPN, NBC, FOX, VH1, etc, etc to watch that all start b/t 8 and 10pm. I mean you'd think you need multiple TVs to catch it all! A friend of mine, DeAndre (@FlyGuyJoker) brought this topic to me and I just had to use it because I know this is an all-to-common situation amongst most couples.Think about it, how many of you all have fought over what TV shows to watch when you're with your significant other? I know I've been there! Those nights we would be sitting and suddenly it's 8 o'clock and I want to watch Basketball Wives, Bad Girls Club, Gossip Girl and Dancing With the stars, while he wanted to watch Basketball, Football, or play the PS3!

Here's DeAndre's thought on this topic:

"Ask any couple, married, dating, and everything in between, the main cause for ANY argument in the house is not the mysterious telephone call…. Not fighting over the blanket at 2 in the morning….not even the hidden bank account…. The main cause sits on your couch, living room table, or the bed. The TV Remote. Season Finales coinciding with the playoffs, NFL nightgames and New Housewives of whatever state, Bad Girls Club and boxing. If you or your mate doesn’t have an agreed taste in TV, prepare for one potentially destructive altercation. I’ve been there before. Me and my ex would debate over her Flavor of Love, and my Monday Night Wrestling. The argument lasted so long, that both shows were missed. But there are solutions to this outrageous situation. Cable & internet have gotten advanced during the years. Things such as ON Demand & Hulu have helped contribute to catching up on television episodes. And for the sports fans? Sports websites and EPSN also has coverage as well. Live streams, real-time scores, etc. But the main concern is who gets to watch it live or on its debut when it’s broadcasted. Couples have gone to the extreme as to buy a 2^nd television just to avoid any arguments…but not everyone can buy a 2^nd television!!!!

At the end of the day, the only key to resolve the situation is COMMUNICATION! If you and your mate sit and discuss ways to settle the War of the TV, things can fare well. Just going for/snatching the remote…terrible idea. And everybody knows that one subject to argue on, bounces straight into another. So the core solution to the situation is…Communication before Channeling."

So, the dilemma here, as DeAndre mentioned, would be who get's to watch what? Well honestly, as long as the show reruns on a regular basis or before the next episode, I didn't mind missing the first showing. As also mentioned, with all of the new technology, DVR definitely lightens the blows, lol. So for all you couples fighting over what to watch, might I suggest getting DVR service because usually you can record up to two shows at a time. Actually, if you are REALLY feeling like spending duckets, Verizon has a DVR setup that records, I believe, 5 shows at once! If You have more than one television that also helps. Either way let's be reasonable, Ladies, we know there's no point in catching game 5 three months later when it replays. Let him watch his game because Bad Girls Club and Basketball Wives isn't going anywhere! Most shows rerun now a days or are available somewhere if it's not, maybe you two can compromise on a way to rotate or as D suggested catch the sports highlights later. We know ESPN runs that stuff ALLLLL night! If you two don't even live together, well, if the show is THAT important, record it at home or watch it at home first before seeing one another. Do what you have to do to avoid the resentment. However, if you harbor resentment over missing a television show, umm might want to evaluate you all's relationship.So the morals here are COMMUNICATION, TEAMWORK and PROBLEM SOLVING. Work it out!









Just a thought...
*** SPECIAL THANKS TO DEANDRE FOR COLLABORATING WITH ME ON THIS POST!***

Proceed With Caution - Dating Red Flags

 

When you want to get to know someone, you usually want to keep your eyes open for any red flags and "deal-breakers" that you may want to think about before taking things to far with someone. All too much I see people just jump into a relationship after only knowing someone for a few weeks. Then when that "first date face" phase passes, they begin learning the REAL person..the good & the flaws or the things they refuse to tolerate. [FYI: "First Date Face" is basically when you're on your best behavior trying to be as perfect as you can and impress the person you are interested in].

Below are some Red Flags that you may want to keep an eye on when single and mingling. At the end, I've also attached some links with more red flags!

• Insecurities, Flaws, and Deal-breakers

Everyone should have deal-breakers, reasonable ones of course (you shouldn't be asking for what you don't even have to offer). Be weary of a person's insecurities or flaws. In the beginning a person is putting on their best to impress you but as you spend time with them you will learn about their flaws and insecurities, some of which you may not be able to deal with.

• Their Lifestyle

In my opinion a couple should compliment each other in some way and though people claim "opposites attract" this is not always the case. Be aware of that person's lifestyle because whether you realize it or not once you're dating someone certain decisions made by one of you can affect you both. Know what you're getting into from the beginning because there's nothing worse than a person who claims to like you just how you are then starts trying to change everything about you!

• When was their last relationship and how long did it last?

Watch out for serial daters or relationship bouncers - those people who have never been steady/stable with someone for more than a few months. Sometimes this can mean this person has no guidelines about what they desire in a mate. Which ties into my next one...

• Uncertainty

The person does not know what qualities they admire in a potential mate. This also relates to someone who's uncertain of their future, meaning, they do not know what they want for their future nor do they have any sense of direction in this area. A person this unsure may be impulsive and sometimes irrational- not always thinking their decisions through. Spontaneity is great, but as adults there needs to be some sort of outline/plan or inspiration to follow.Though there's nothing wrong with possibly being a good motivator, you should not have to the "parent" and "raise" them from scratch to get them to find a path.

• They seem too desperate about the “idea” of a relationship or "Don’t want to sleep alone" Syndrome

Really no one wants to be single forever, but if they are always rushing into relationships and settling for anyone for the sake of not being single, you may want to go around them or make them take it slow with you. Also, if they talk about a long future with you when you haven't even learned their last name, they need to slow down! Most experts suggest it takes a minimum of 3 months or later to know someone enough to possibly takes things further with them. I've heard others say you need to see them in ALL the seasons. Personally I like to wait a few months myself, especially if we spent a lot of time together in those few months, but to each his own. Just make sure you know the most important things, other things will be learned as the bonds progresses.

• If they seems to be all about is the sex

You know those one's who never want to spend quality time with you? Never want to do things beyond the bedroom. You're pretty much a "booty call." I just feel that a person who feels that intimacy, romance and affection is simply SEX, then they apparently are lacking some depth. Sex is not the only extension of showing someone how you feel about them! Let’s make that very clear. You'd be amazed how some of

• People with Children

Of course not everyone with children, but we do know what I mean - those guys or girls who's child's other parent has an issue with them moving on and insists on getting in between. Make sure that guy/girl has all of that in order first! Also, have them reassure you that they can balance their parenting with their love life. I don't know about y'all but if a guy is consecutively having to give "rain-checks" because he has no babysitter or what have you, maybe he needs to be better prepared before trying to seriously date.

**There are other Red Flags to watch out for but these are to name a few. The moral of this is, "Proceed With Caution! No need to be all in too soon!**

>>>>> Check out These links for more Red Flags to look out for!! More Dating Red Flags Red Flags Men Should Consider... Dating Red Flags Women Must Look For

Perception, and the Backlash

I don't care what anyone says, perception matters and at some point everyone cares what people think about them. You may not care about what every single person thinks about you but there's certain people that you want to see you in a certain light...So I ask, are you presenting yourself the way you want people to see you?

This is especially seen in dating and sex. Ladies, how many guys tell you they can give you the world, bring you the moon, got a "mandingo", will blow ya back out and all this extra stuff, but their actions show otherwise or they fall "short"(ha)?? Just stop talking about it and be about it!! Now I ain't just jumping on the guys because women do it too! Saying she is this flexible or can do this and that in bed...Either way, you can say what you want, but a person is going to eventually learn the real you and see you from your actions and how you present yourself regardless of all that yikkity yak you kickin'!

Perception has so many dimensions. Think about fashion. I feel your style should be a direct reflection of who you are. Why? Because whether you realize it or not, the first thing a person will see when they see you is what's on the surface. They will see your clothes, your physique, your feature, hair, etc... If you present yourself in a certain light, people will perceive you a certain way. Unfortunately, if you never get a chance to see that person all they have is that first impression of you. So if you want to walk around in booty shorts and see through clothes with no bra on, extra makeup extra weave, etc etc, you can't control the reactions you're going to get and you can only be so mad about it because that's how you present yourself. You don't want to be called a slob, don't walk around always looking sloppy. You don't want to be thought of as a "skank" then think about what you are doing to put off this type of image. You show up at a job interview with ill fitting or unprofessional clothing, those people may assume you are sloppy, don't pay attention to detail and may not even be organized. Many don't realize how much information (positive or negative or misunderstood) that they could be giving off simply by what they wear, how they talk, walk, etc.


Social networks are tricky because many use social networks as a stage to create this person that they really are not! I like to call these people DECEPTICONS. On social networks a person only knows you by what you post and how you look in your photo and you cannot really control what they think unless you are paying attention to the details. So if you are bent on people not getting the wrong idea about you. Take a look at your wardrobe, you networking & job profiles and figure out if you are satisfied.


Now, though I don't think people should be quick to judge without knowing you, some people just don't have the kind of time but at the same time there are some things you can catch early!

Just something to think about...

Trust Issues...

Trust, No one

I don't know about y'all, but frankly I get annoyed when I hear people say they don't trust anyone and blame it on someone that betrayed their trust at some point. I feel like people who don't trust anyone can't be too trustworthy themselves because they'll probably lie just to protect themselves from being LIED TO. You can't trust EVERYBODY but you can trust SOMEBODY, you just have to understand that no one is 100% trustworthy. Sorry to tell you! If you think that you done told someone some secrets and they didn't at least tell one person one of those secrets, you're very naive. And I wish a *You-know-who* would say they "keep it a hunnet" 100% of the time. They've just probably told someone who doesn't know anyone who knows you so it never got back to you or someone who has to reason to even utter that situation to anyone else, lol (Be Real we've all done it). I'm just saying be real with yourself and stop using your past as an excuse for not trusting others who have given you no reason to not trust em yet. Quite frankly, you shouldn't tell anyone something you don't mind "the world" knowing. If you need to vent, vent to someone who forgets quickly or doesn't know who you're talking about. They'll be around for the convo but by the time they leave out the door they remember nothing and you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders (win-win) lol....That's just a suggestion though.

Now in terms of relationships and what not, seems like people are so afraid to open up to someone because of something that's been done to them. Well you're living life in fear! Sometimes you just have to take the chance and the risk if you plan to LIVE life. Walking around afraid to open up to someone that you genuinely care about only sets you back. How else do you learn to trust someone? You both have to put yourselves out there with each other and be there for each other to build that trust. Don't make promises you can't keep and don't sell someone dreams or say you will do something when you have no intentions of doing it.

You have to learn to move on from the past and stop letting it affect your future to the point where you are just going to always be unhappy and bitter. Stop assuming the worst from the jump with the new person you are dating! Yes there are signs that should be paid attention to, but some of the things that people assume someone is cheating on them are crazy as I don't know what sometimes! How's that person supposed to prove to you they are different when you take that chance away?





--- Just a Thought






** And I thought this was a great article about Trust : Trust Issues ...I'll add more links if I find any**

Not Right Now, I'm Grindin...

So something I've noticed since being back in the dating world is some guys claiming they don't want relationships because they are "all about my(their) grind". More so the ones trying to break into the entertainment industry...and ESPECIALLY in the DC/MD/VA area which is heavy with music. I had a guy tell me "when I'm grindin' everybody gets cut off" ...yet when he was flying under the radar he was all about "us" telling me he wants to progress with me ...Sooo when the going gets rough you just start dropping people you supposedly care for rather than put forth some effort? I mean the least you can do is let her know off jump you don't want a relationship so she has the chance to keep it movin or accept things for what it is rather than you just playing things along but never really let it be known.

Trust me, I'm not one to try to stand in the way of one's grind or ask to have priority over it, but I am trying to get where I want to go too you ain't the only one! So the way my mind works is let's grind "together", let's push each other, motivate each other, cheer for and support one another, ya know? What strikes me even further, is many of these same guys have trust issues with women and assume women only want them for their money once they start "making it big". Then it's their fault because they weren't around for the STRUGGLE. So why push em away when your merely a whisper, but then when you make it and they swarm now you feel they all just want the money? Which is it gonna be?

I understand men feel like they need to be the "provider" for their lady and spoil her and that when it comes to relationships, some of y'all feel us ladies don't want to date a guy unless he has a certain amount of funds. However, if we supposedly want these things then why are you surprised about them sharks? Someone clear it up for me because I am just so confused. Why not just be an opportunist and seize the moment like you do with other things? Guys always say they want that "down a** chick" that "ride or die" but don't give a lady a chance to "ride" with you and be there when you're at your lowest to help pick you up and help keep you focused. If you don't desire a chick trying to "come up" off you then how about you let one come up WITH you?

Disclaimer: Now I'm not trying to bash dudes because that's not what this blog is about, but I just had to get this off my chest because I'm hoping some fellas out there can give me some feedback and possibly put this into perspective in a way I'll better understand. because I honestly have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that you're not going to at least put forth the EFFORT to make things work. Timing doesn't just fall into place all of the time you two have to work as a TEAM. Furthermore, I'm not saying this problem is limited to the guys, but I'm just speaking to you all right now.






Just a thought.

Is it Really the Little Things that Matter??

Most women say "I love a man who remembers the little things" but the moment our anniversary gift is not that "special" some of us throw a fit. So is there an unspoken balance that should exist between the "little things" and the "Hallmark" moments?


Let's take Valentine's Day for example. I have a friend who says he's done celebrating Valentine's Day because women expect too much on that day. He has a point. Some women expect for their man to go all out on V-Day, Birthdays, and X-Mas, but what about the other 362/363 days of the year?


I'm not saying a guy should buy his lady gifts daily or weekly or that it even has to be something tangible. However, in my opinion, those little moments where you pointed out a perfume you liked when you two were window shopping then a week later he surprises you with it just to see you smile is just one of those moments that add up and remind you why you care about that person so much. Or how about when you come home after a long day and HE actually cooked YOU dinner, has your favorite shows recorded and is going to give YOU a massage? The little things usually seem more genuine and thoughtful rather than going to the store and buying cliche things or trying to outspend yourself from last year's gift. I must also add though that people do too much demanding when it comes to material things in relationships rather than giving someone the chance to WANT to do things for them. Our expectations are through the roof on the wrong things!! A person who cares will go over the moon for you but if you pressure them it starts to seem generic. But eh I mean who am I to say?...




Just a thought.

Can You Take a Hint?

Ever been blinded by the fact that you like someone so much you are not even watching the signs that they are not into you? Or do you genuinely not even know if they are? Some people try to rely on giving subtle hints that they don't share any romantic interest in you to spare your feelings. We've all done it and probably still do it sometimes.

Though I feel just coming out and telling you they are not really into you is the best policy, I want to point out a few obvious and some not-so-obvious signs that a person you are into is just NOT feeling the same way...


1. Dry conversation/they don’t try to get to know you
– Those people who give really short answers on the regular and don't ask you anything in return probably don't feel much like engaging in the conversation. Someone who’s into you is going to try to learn everything there is to know, right? I'd think so.

2. You are ALWAYS initiating conversation first.
– I don't know about y'all, but when I'm really liking someone all I think about is him and how I can't wait to see him again. If it seems you two only talk when you hit them first, chances are you are not on their mind and that’s probably because they are not feeling you like that or they like someone more than they like you. Sometimes a person is "busy" but honestly, if they like you enough, they will make time whether it's a small 30 minute window or a couple hours from a day.

3. Minimal physical contact
– Even virgins will still show you they are interested with a hug, kiss, cuddle, hand-holding, etc… if the person does not even want to give you a nice lil' hug, then they are probably not attracted to you.

– This goes for dates too. Just because they agree to a date doesn't mean you have their complete interest so if at they are fidgety like they are rushing the date and don't want to sit and perhaps chat some more or anything, take that as a sign there may not be a love connection.

4. No Eye Contact
– I know sometimes people are shy but if they are, say, steady looking at their phone, looking around the room, steady watching the clock or anything else that distracts them from looking at you then they are probably uninterested.

5. They never express interest in you
– If you are constantly saying things like "we should go on a date" or "I really want to know you more on a personal level" and they are saying NO or skating around answering you, Please, TAKE THE HINT and keep it moving. Sometimes a person has to warm up to you for a while before they start to like you but in most cases a person knows at first sight and definitely after a conversation or two that they are interested in further getting to know you. Look at it as THEIR loss *shrugs*.

6. The person uses closed up body language/sits far away/facing away from you on a date or in the same room
– Either this person does not like you, or they have another romantic interest in the room and don't want to get caught up! (lol).


**Sometimes you have those tricky ones who say they're interested but are not really showing it or they are very half-assed and minimal about what they say or do. Well there could be a variety of reasons they may be doing such a thing:

a. They just like the attention...
b. They just like the attention...
c. THEY JUST LIKE THE ATTENTION!!


(lol)...Why else lead someone on? Especially when you're not even being physical with each other. They just like getting attention and being showered with whatever nice things you are saying to them and they like being chased.


Some of what I mentioned (and more) are on these two sites. Check em out!

"Signs He's Not Into You" "Subtle Signs She's Not Into You"


* I hope this has been informative and helpful. Keep your eyes open the next time you express interest in someone. If something feels shady, it probably is so TAKE THE HINT! You may know the answers without even needing to ask the question! Feel free to add more pointers, links, etc.*

[Tech]nically Speaking.....

"I'm tired of using Technology, I need you right in from of meh" -- Justin Timberlake "Ayo Technology"

---That is how I feel everyday about technology and social networks. Don't get me wrong, they both can be a great way to NETWORK or INITIATE a few things and interact with different types of people, but it seems like so many people depend so heavily on these things rather than face to face interaction when it comes to dating. I thought that a social network was just an initiating tool when it comes to the dating. You know, express interest get a little background information and determine if there's any initial desire to meet at a neutral public place then go from there. Instead, people ask you your life story in an inbox message or a text rather than just the basics but maybe I'm just too old-fashioned. I know some things seem easier to say when you don't have to say it directly to someones face, but expressing "true feelings" and asking deep personal questions, I feel, are Face to Face topics to discuss.Why wouldn't you want to express the emotions you're feeling and look into their eyes and feel that energy? I just don't get it!

" if you are both talking about all the important stuff via Twitter, what the hell do you talk about when you do actually ever talk?" Panama Jackson in the article - "When Online Dating and Social Media Collide"

Instead people form these generic "relationships" because they lose sight of the difference between LIKE vs. INTEREST. You know, the ones that claim you bout to be their "boo" and always talking about the future when you two have yet to breathe the same air? Someone may sound perfect via technology but most of the stuff people say about themselves is probably all good stuff so they can sound so good to you but you have yet to learn them all the way around so how can you "like" them on that level?. It ain't natural in my opinion and at the end of the day you are still only going by what you SEE in those pictures. They look so good that everything they say seems good because you so badly want what you see, lol (be real, admit it). The only way I can determine I truly like you is when I am around you and interact with you. You gotta sense that energy, chemistry and also that sexual tension(if any). Interest just means I want to know more about you to see if I like you...gotta know the diff!

I think basically the point I am making here is we gotta stop substituting talking with technology with this dating stuff...Unless your partner or person of interest is hundreds of miles away (which might I suggest Skype, OovoO or Facetime over text/tweet/phone) why not be in their presence when you can? .....Just something to think about. Feel free to post your thoughts, opinions, links to articles related to this post below!!!

Size of the boat? Or the motion of the Ocean?

So, I have a friend who wanted me to ask this question.... "Does size matter to women?"

If you think about it, men get to look right at us women and see our figures(especially at the pool) and gain an idea of how we look naked , how sex would be, what positions he wants to try, where, when, etc...lol...What about women? Yes we see your physique and are usually instantly attracted. Then the question pops up sometimes "what if he's small?" We know that age-old saying "it's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean". Is it really though? If so, does that mean we women should just tolerate our man's size even if the sex is not pleasurable? Or should size be somewhat of a deal breaker? Dare I get too graphic, but during penetration we have to feel "it" to have some enjoyment...right? So can a man really blame us for wanting a certain size? Not the biggest, but large enough to feel it and enjoy it lol!  Perhaps the smaller he is the more work he is going to put in and not be lazy and rely on his "man-man" to do all of the work? Hmmmm...something to think about.

So I ask again, Does size matter? You may answer with a simple "yes or no" or feel free to explain.

I have an article here "Does Size Matter to Women?" that claims women don't care about penis size. If you can, take a glimpse over it before you answer to see if maybe the article influences your thoughts in any way, but you don't have to of course.

*Until next week!!*

You gotta let the MAN be the MAN!

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T<--- Do you (really) know what that means?

We hear it everywhere, chicks screaming that they are "independent". But what exactly does it mean to be independent? I mean, maybe I've been fed the wrong information, but I was under the impression that independence was more so about finances, but other things too (being self-sufficient and capable of doing something, not really NEEDING to be financially dependent on another). Of course, there are those unfortunate circumstances where we may end up temporarily needing financial assistance, but I'm sure you get the general idea.


ANYWHO... I'm seeing young girls who have never had a slice of real world pie claiming independence because they have a job making just enough to pay their cell phone but can't really do much else but maybe shop and afford public transportation. Then there's those females who take being independent to the next level by letting this "independence" overshadow what a man is there for with the infamous "I don't need a man..." hoopla. In my opinion, independence is the ability to take care of your self in any given situation but not being afraid to ask for help. I feel it goes pretty much hand and hand with maturity. You can stand on your own two feet. You know how the real world works. You're practical and realistic, rational and not stretching yourself thin just to be on your own so that you can claim this "independence." But when you want a man, sometimes you gotta let the man be the man! If he wants to pay all the bills even though you're more than capable of helping, why not? (lol). Yes you can do your own oil change, but go on head and let ya man do it if he's saying he can! Why not? Sometimes women need to relax with the tossing around of the word "independent" and stop acting like an A-sexual creature or like they can't let someone do certain things for them. There are still things we need from a man and want him, (unless men don't float ya boat). Just like we need to feel wanted or appreciated, so does a man...so LET THE MAN BE THE MAN!

...but I want to know what y'all think bout this...What is your definition of "Independence"? Do women take the idea to far? or not far enough?..Do you Agree or disagree with my view?...go in...


I also think you all should check out this blog post, I feel it relates to what I'm saying about how independence can be taken too far! "I am my own man syndrome"

Thanks For Stopping By!!

Welcome!! I'm new to this Blog thing so bare with me (lol)! The goal here is to discuss Dating, Relationships, and the Gender war that's often intertwined in it all. I am just 25, but I've already dabbled in cohabitation, marriage, and divorce. Not to mention countless dates and encounters with several different types of guys and heard some crazy stories. I've learned so much, however, life is about progression and there is always room for improvement! I will use my blog as an outlet to share my experiences and potentially enlighten others. However, I also plan to learn from me readers but that requires you all's participation! Do not be afraid to speak up and say how you feel on my blog! Moving on, I named this the Venus-Mars Enigma in broad reference to the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" but more so to the mystery of how men and women view relationships and why they view them so differently...Or do they?...Furthermore, the power struggle between the sexes and working towards finding the balance. I will often post links to different articles of opinion or research with tips & advice that I feel are accurate and could be insightful, informative, and even entertaining. I'll state my viewpoints on the topics then I will discuss other common viewpoints of these topics. Lastly, I may ask questions for my readers to comment on to see, perhaps, a new perspective I hadn't before. I especially hope my blog will be a great reference those who may be too shy to ask their friends certain questions. I welcome all TASTEFUL, honest opinions and friendly debating. Enjoy, and please come back often!! =)



- Alana B.

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