The hardest thing for me about having chronic anxiety, is hearing people who really only experience normal, occasional anxiety trying to tell you how to handle it or that "things could be worse". You think we don't know that? You don't think we wish that was enough for the heart to stop racing and for the spiral to stop? It's not enough.
Imagine feeling like you just have a default amount of anxiety from the time you wake up, everyday... Any little thing that wouldn't stress the average person out, is enough to make you on edge, and then one more thing will make you just wanna snap. That's how I've felt almost everyday since 2019.
There was a turning point somewhere, it likely had a lot to do with where I worked. Granted, I've dealt with some past trauma. When I was goin through divorce in 2011-2012, I had a deep depression. But this feeling I started really having, felt different than that. That depression went away at some point. This feeling I just can't shake. At some point, it felt like I couldn't turn it off. All I could do was press it down and act like it didn't exist, but then at some point that doesn't work anymore. And there's an overflow. So much of an overflow that it literally overshadows everything...
At work, I spent everyday worried about not messing up. EVERY DAY. At every other job I've ever had I never felt like that regularly. I may have had short term anxiety where I dusted myself and realized an incident was isolated and nothing to trip about. But this feels different. I never felt like I didn't know what I was doing, constantly 2nd guessing myself. At this job, every piece of feedback was a criticism. Normally I can handle criticism even if I don't initially like what I hear, I keep it consciously tucked moving forward. But this felt different. At this point it was so much at the forefront, that I was making mistakes I knew better than to make. Then beat myself up for those mistakes. And that continued until I felt so defeated that I just knew my days were numbered there.
Sure I could mention the lack of proper leadership in management but honestly I cared more about how I could be better. But there were elements of that job that I could not control, that were controlling some of my performance. It sucked. I felt pressed into a corner. I felt like there was nothing I could do as long as certain procedures stayed the same. Living like this ain't fun. And I don't want to. I tell my brain this, but it does what it wants.
Now, as I seek new employment, I am experiencing some depression again. I'm experiencing alot of self doubt. Despite my intelligence, my wit, my experience, and what I know I'm capable of, with everyday that goes by that I am not hired or interviewed, I am literally questioning everything professionally up to this point. Spiraling. Lots of crying. Lots of anger.
Money is another factor. They say money doesn't buy happiness. Okay. But money has taken away so much of my anxiety when I have it. Therefore, I never want to not have it. So when I don't have it? Instant anxiety. I start pondering what would be the most inconvenient thing that could happen right now since I don't have much money? And whatever I can think of, will linger and linger until I've got a lil change. So while it may not create happiness, I can focus on what makes me happy more when I'm not stressed about money.
Something about not even having enough money to buy something from 7 eleven makes my kneecaps itch... Bothers the f*ck out of me! People can call it spoiled or whatever they want. But it's just not what I'm used to and never want to be used to. As a kid I always found a way to have a lil change. I'm working on some things, but they are not in place yet. And until then? ANXIETY. Whether I want it or not. It's looming over me...
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